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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, and the sun’s blazin’ through my window on Calle San José. I’m like, “Great, another scorcher.” I grab my coffee, and it’s already spillin’ everywhere. Classic me, right? I’m out the door, and boom! I trip over my own feet. Like, seriously? Who does that?

New Smyrna Beach birdman and his crew fly aid to their hometown in Puerto Rico